


Obsidian Towers

by v00doll



Series: homecraft minestuck [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Caliborn (Homestuck) Being an Asshole, Chatting & Messaging, Epic Battles, Epic Friendship, Gen, Minecraft, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Swearing, but they do know the cherubs names so yeah, can be pre canon or au idc, its all epic baybie, like 1 throwaway line implying transfem NB roxy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:46:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28623525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/v00doll/pseuds/v00doll
Summary: Four kids play a game (not that one) Part Two: Let's kick things into alpha gear! Alternatively titled: FIGHTING THE ENDER DRAGON AT A REASONABLE TIME ON A SCHOOL NIGHT??!! (not clickbait) (gone wrong)its another minecraft fic with more talking than actual minecraft gameplay. but with the alpha kids this time. they fight the ender dragon. and it goes wrong. not really a sequel 2 breeding lilacs, it just uses a similar story formula.
Relationships: Jane Crocker/Jake English/Roxy Lalonde/Dirk Strider, Platonic Relationships - Relationship
Series: homecraft minestuck [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2097738
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Obsidian Towers

The battle was harrowing.

Roars like thunder bellowing from deep in the throat of that wretched beast shook the ground and rang out into the inky sky. The four heroes, weary already from the journey and the fight, powered through valiantly despite the growing desperation amidst their ranks. Victory was so close they could almost taste it! Finally, finally, when it looked like the beast might be coming to a rest, when it looked like they might be reaching the easy part of the battle-

GT: Aw hell, there's one more crystal!

TG: what?? no way, i was sure we got em all!

GT: well we must have missed one because its health is going back up!

TG: wh

TG: oh hey sure is

TG: now im no fancy scientist but THAT shouldn't be a thign that can happen!

GT: i know!

GG: It isn't worth arguing over, just take care of it PRETTY PLEASE!! I've got my hands full over here and I could REALLY use a bowman or two!

TG: dw janey ur hero is on their way

TG: okay what the fuck????

TT: Oh boy.

GT: aargh!

There was another crystal. The ender dragon's health bar remained stagnant at full, a wordless "fuck you" to the hour they'd already spent shooting at towertops. Really that in and of itself was already something to worry about seeing as there had been two of them working what was designed to be a one-man job. Audibly grinding her teeth, Roxy fired her bow. There was an explosion.

A telltale silver streak connected the swooping dragon to the next tower over. It finally occurred to Dirk to pause the game and confirm a growing suspicion. Huh. Weird. If THAT wasn't the issue, then what was?

GG: DIRK WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T STOP RUNNING

TT: Sorry.

TT: Shit.

GG: I WILL abandon you to deal with this yourself!>:B 

TT: Do it, you won't.

The "this" in question was the horde of endermen chasing Dirk that Jane had been an absolute saint and abandoned the dragon to help him fend off himself. He'd be fine, Rox, he had insisted upon his arrival at the end portal, the only one of the four there without a jack o' lantern on his head. The extra armour of a helmet would be much more beneficial in the minecraft boss fight and besides, all you had to do was not look at any endermen! 

And then he'd immediately looked at an enderman.

Just one would have been fine and dandy but he somehow managed to attract another two. And then another four. Before he knew it half the floating island was chasing him.

It was a very humbling experience overall.

TG: aw fuck, caliborns not playin is he? that could explain it

TT: That's what I thought too, but apparently not.

GG: we would have seen it in the chat if he had joined the game and then again when he entered the end. The portal was incomplete when we got to it so he couldn't have gone in ahead of us. Right?

GG: OW! Roxy, that was me you just hit!

TG: jake did it

GT: what?! no! i'm not even facing that way!

TG: well it wasnt me!

Roxy and Jake continued to shoot at crystals and the forever-healing dragon fruitlessly. What was happening? Only the four of them were in the game. Was this some sort of glitch?

As Dirk pondered, fingers numb from continuously driving his character in desperate circles, he flinched away from the screen at a sudden flash of grey. Curlicues rose in his vision. No! No! No! But sure enough, yes yes yes. He'd been hit by an arrow of slowness. Who had decided that those would be any help? He seethed as the endermen swarmed and his screen went red.

[timaeusTestified was slain by Enderman]

Sixty-nine levels down the drain just like that.

GG: WHAT?!

TT: Who the fuck just shot me?

GT: oh no, as if this wasn't going shittily enough!

TG: aw rip dirk :(

TG: f

GT: f

TT: Which of you shot me and why were you using slowness arrows in the first place?

TT: Like, valiant effort I guess, but the dragon is immune to effects. Not to mention that you missed it, genius.

GT: uhh, not me, that's for good well and damn sure!

TG: yeah me neither

GG: f but one less thing to worry about.

TT: You wound me, Jane. You wound me deep.

GG: you'll live. :B 

GG: but I'm getting seriously suspicious, there is no way that arrow came out of nowhere!

TG: yea but this server is squeaky clean i did a through check 4 viruses n any other nasties after the second wheatfield incident

TG: i meant *thorough oops

GG: how did you make that mistake verbally?

TG: i dont talk much irl dont judge me :,(

GG: awh, I'm sorry!! 

TG: nah dw bffsie i'm just playing around

GT: well if the server's in tiptop shape that really puts this whole business up to question!

GT: the crystals were just annoying but even if something did get past roxy's keen eye-

TG: impossible btw

GT: -that still can't explain arrows coming out of nowhere!

GT: or the wither!

TG: wait wat

GG: what?!

Dirk respawned next to his bed in his house over a thousand blocks away, now without his trusty full set of netherite armour -including the helmet that had symbolised his fatal hubris- and sword and most importantly, no way to see what the other three were. Let's check in with someone else.

Jane watched in awe and terror as four soulsand blocks piled up into formation. It was obvious that someone under the effect of an invisibility potion was responsible and she had a pretty damn good guess who but how had he gotten in?

She didn't have time to think about it too much as the final skull fell into place, unleashing the wither on the three remaining heroes. The fight with the dragon was quickly abandoned in favour of the more immediately destructive enemy. Jane cursed under her breath and sprinted to the furthest corner of the map she could find to hide out and fill her hunger bar. Hopefully with a precious few seconds she could-

TG: SHIT this cannot be happening there is no way this is-

GT: don't worry! I have some distance, maybe i can get this nasty fellow's health down a bit before-

[golgothasTerror was slain by Ender Dragon]

GT: zoinks

Well, that sure put a dampener on the already sopping mood. Jane ate one of her precious few golden apples -in her defense there had been four of them and they had only been expecting to fight ONE boss today- and dove back out into the fray, only to reel back from her computer. There were two withers now?!

GG: okay, this isn't funny!

TG: yeah ngl this looks REALLY bad

TG: i dunno how were gonna win this one

GG: you make it sound like this is just the latest in a series of similar hijinks.

GT: fortunately i've done enough diamond mining for all of us so if you two can just hold out for a bit, i should be all suited up and right back over within a minute! dunno about dirk though. what's the situation, buddy?

TT: Plenty of swords, but no armour. I'll be a bit.

GT: roger! 

TG: jake, ur a doll 

TG: fuck ok ok we can do this

GG: even if you do both return to help, there would still be a wither for each of us!

GT: there are four??

TG: yeahh, our ghostly buddy has been p busy!!

TG: and on top of all that there's still tha dragon 2 worry about

TG: woah!! oh no oh no oh no oh no

[tipsyGnolastic hit the ground too hard]

GG: Roxy!

TG: dammit i KNEW i shouldve packed more slowfalling potions

TG: jane ur our last hope just hang in there

GG: what exactly am i supposed to do here??

TT: You're the chosen one, Jane. The heiress apparent to this loathesome task.

TT: You're the only one who can do it. Don't let our sacrifices be in vain. Use the grief as fuel. Power through on the wings of friendship.

GT: help us, Obi-wan Janeobi! you're our only hope!

GG: You two aren't helping!!

TT: Sorry.

GT: jane, are you crying??

Jane, who was crying, mostly from stress but also partially from staring at her monitor, frantically fired arrow after arrow at the nearest wither. Heavens to motherfucking betsy these things' health bars were just too high! Her hands shook. Pew pew. Okay, that one was halfway down. That was good! Maybe she did have a shot after all. 

The dragon reared and swooped downward again, heading right for her with its wings outstretched like violet sails. Jane squeaked and darted aside. Great, all of the end crystals were back. That was just lovely. There was no way she could hold out long enough to wait for backup now, especially with Caliborn putting up one wither after another. Jane was certain now that he must be to blame. She didn't know how he'd entered the game with none of them noticing but it was just the sort of nasty thing that creep would pull.

TG: oh man whats a happening

TG: cmon jane you can do it!! 

It was too hard to keep her eyes on all the withers and the dragon at once. Heart after heart in the corner of her screen went dull as Jane sprinted across the battlefield. She could do it she could do it she could do it, just a little further and then wait to get her health back-

[gutsyGumshoe was shot by undyingumbrage]

GG: AAAAAAUUURGHHH!!!!!!!!

Screeches and defeated groans rang in her headseat, earning a heavy wince. Jane took it off and rubbed her ears and temples for a moment, contemplating the dropped items hovering over the pale yellow ground with simmering rage.

[undyingumbrage: HA HA HA. HEE HEE. HA HA HA HA HA.]  
[undyingumbrage: HO HO. HO. HA HA HA HA.]  
[gutsyGumshoe: Oh shut up!]  
[undyingumbrage: HA HA HA HA HA HA. HO HO.]  
[undyingumbrage: I BET YOu ARE WONDERING. WHAT WENT WRONG. WHAT TERRIFYING MISHAP COULD HAVE LED TO YOuR DEMISE?]  
[undyingumbrage: YOu FOuR PATHETIC, IDIOTIC HuMAN "GAMERS". THOuGHT THAT YOu WERE ALONE. IN YOuR GAME.]  
[undyingumbrage: BuT I WAS HERE ALL ALONG! WATCHING. WAITING. PLOTTING YOuR DEATHS!]  
[undyingumbrage: IT WAS NOT AS FuN. AS THE REAL ONES WILL BE. ESPECIALLY THE FINAL REAL ONES.]  
[undyingumbrage: BuT IT WAS STILL FuN. TO OWN SOME NOOBS.]  
[timaeusTestified: Dude if you wanna gloat just do it in the voice chat with the rest of us. I feel bad for your shift button. Plus the multicoloured text would be way more fun to read than this lousy block of unformatted newspaper cuttings. Look at this fucking eyesore.]  
[undyingumbrage: WHAT?]  
[timaeusTestified: Don't worry about it.]

After turning her sound WAY down, Jane put her headphones back on just in time for an earful of that awful grating laughter. She groaned loudly and pressed respawn.

TG: man, i was so excited for this!!

GT: we all were!! it was going to be such a doggone blast finally finishing off the big boss and seeing the credits roll!

GT: after all the work we've put into this server i think we damn well deserved to reap the just rewards! oh hey jane!

GG: Hi

uu: DON'T BE SO BITCHY ABOuT IT. YOu WANTED TO FIGHT THE BOSS. AND I GAVE YOu A FEW EXTRA BOSSES TO FIGHT. IF YOu WERE REALLY PREPARED. THEN IT WOuLD HAVE BEEN. A PIECE OF CAKE. BESIDES. BITCHING IS BETTER LEFT TO THE BITCHES.

GG: ugh

uu: OHOHOHO! THERE SHE IS. THE SECOND. AND LESSER. OF THE BITCHES IN QuESTION.

uu: HOW DID IT FEEL. BEING PENETRATED BY MY BLADE. AFTER RuNNING AROuND BY YOuRSELF BEING ALL SCARED. AND DuMB. AND uSELESS.

GT: uhhhheheh??

TG: pffffft

GG: Ugh, why do you make everything so awful??

GG: why are you such a jerk? Now if and when we go back we'll have like twelve withers to fight!

GG: and if by some MIRACLE they kill the dragon for us despite all the crystals being up, none of us can get the achievement!

GT: We can always resummon it

GG: Yeah! yeah, you're right. But why even DO all this in the first place?!

uu: WOW. SO AGGRESSIVE. AND MOSTLY. FOR THIS EXACT REASON. IT IS FuNNY TO WATCH YOu CRY. HEE HEE!

TG: hey buzz off!

uu: AND AS FOR HOW I GOT INTO THE GAME. WITHOuT YOuR REALIZING IT. WHICH I AM SuRE YOu ARE ALL WAITING WITH BATED BREATH TO LEARN.

TT: Let me guess, you were "ALREADY HERE"?

uu: YOu'RE NO FuN.

TG: i mean we still wouldve seen that when WE all joined but w/e ur computers special or smth, i remember. n e ways jane, we could always make another server. ive got p much infinity storage soz ive got a couple different saves with this same seed 2.

TG: if u reeeeaally wanna use this one :)

GG: you're the best of us all, Roxy.

TG: ehee i know ;)

TG: sayy caliboy howd u get creative mode

TG: only us 4 n callie r owners and i KNOW nobody here wants u having any sort of godlike power

GG: Seconded

GT: thirded!

TT: Fourthed.

uu: IT WAS SIMPLE. AS YOuR SILLY GADGETS ALREADY FAR INFERIOR TO MY OWN. MuCH BETTER AND COOLER TECHNOLOGY. NOT TO MENTION. THAT YOu ARE A GIRL. AND THEREFORE BAD AT EVERYTHING.

TG: i mean if "girl" makes it easier 4 u 2 understand then sure just go with that lmfao

TG: but heyy, my haxx r SO gd leet n you better believe it mister ;)

uu: NO. BuT ANYWAY.

uu: I SIMPLY LOGGED INTO MY SISTERS ACCOuNT. WHILE SHE WAS SLEEPING LIKE A GROSS IDIOT INFANT BABY. AND CHANGED THE GAME MODE ON MY OWN ACCOuNT.

uu: WELL. SIMPLE FOR ME AT LEAST. BuT YOu CAN TRY TO uNDERSTAND. IF YOu WANT. AND BASH YOUR HEADS AGAINST YOuR SCREENS IN FRuSTRATION. AT HAVING NOT SEEN SuCH GENIuS COMING.

GG: you just changed your game mode? That's it? You didn't think to add yourself as an owner before logging her out?

uu: SHuT uP. IT WAS SO EASY. THAT I COuLD EASILY DO IT AGAIN IF I WANTED. I JuST DIDNT.

GT: Why not though

uu: MY GOALS ARE BEYOND YOuR uNDERSTANDING.

TT: Hey, do you go out of your way to use as many u's as possible just so you can make a point of making them lowercase?

TT: Or just saying them quieter in this case, this being a verbal conversation and all. We can all hear that right? I'm not crazy?

GT: oh thank golly I thought I was the only one!

uu: HEY.

TT: I didn't want to say anything.

GT: but it's totally there right? Like just a sudden drop in volume halfway through every other word??

GG: I thought he was just talking funny at first, but yeah, there's absolutely a pattern to it!

uu: HEY.

GT: yeah!!

TT: Wait, how did we never notice this before? Ever since you clued in and got discord we've heard from you like, daily.

GT: Wait! do you guys think calliope does the same thing but inverse?

TT: I haven't thought to listen for it up until now.

GT: Cal-man, is your sister still asleep right now?

uu: DONT CALL ME THAT. I AM NOT. YOuR MAN.

GT: There it is!

TG: omgg lmaoooooooo

TG: ell. em. eff. ay. oh.

uu: THIS IS RIDICuLOuS. STOP LAuGHING. ALL OF YOu.

GG: hoohoohoo, no! :B

TT: You know what's really ridiculous dude?

TG: waitwaitywaiy

TG: everyone hang on caliborn get ready this is gonna b SUPES funny

GT: Hanging and awaiting further orders, general!

[tipsyGnolastic: /banundyingumbrage]

[undyingumbrage was banned by tipsyGnolastic]

uu: WHAT?

uu: DID YOu JuST.

uu: FuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuCK.

uu: *YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.*

TG: pffffffff

GT: :o ! woah there pal!

TT: Damn, even mid-scream.

GT: Gotta admire the dedication!

TG: i feel liek i just got cussed out by a librarian

Jane fell away from her monitor in hysterical hoots and giggles. A knock drew her attention over to the doorway where her father was posed with his knuckles on the frame. She let her headphones slide down around her neck. 

Dinner will be ready in twenty minutes, he said. 

Okay, thanks, I'll be down, she replied. 

His moustache ruffled with a loving fatherly grin. As he closed the door, Jane caught a faint whiff of gravy and her stomach grumbled.

uu: SHuT uP. RIGHT FuCKING NOW.

GG: you're making this worse on yourself with every word.

uu: YOu ESPECIALLY.

GG: i'm so scared! hee hee! :B

TT: It's like you're actively trying to prove our point or something. Are you really that starved for attention?

uu: WOW. OK. THAT IS RICH. COMING FROM YOu. DIRK.

TT: Well hey there now.

GT: Is that really just....how you talk?? like normally?

uu: FIRST YOu BAN ME FROM A GAME. AT WHICH I AM *OBVIOuSLY* SuPERIOR AND MAKE WAY BETTER WITH MY PRESENCE. AND NOW YOu ALL GANG uP ON ME. AND BuLLY ME.

uu: WHAT DO YOu GAIN. FROM BEING SO MEAN?

TG: LOOOOL how the turntables twist

TT: That shit's flipped turnways.

TG: like patties on a grill

TT: Sizzling on the hot coals of irony after being flipped with the tongs of hypocrisy.

TG: all nice n lathered up in tha sweet, steamy sauce of 'shoes r on the other feet now get rekt lmaoo'

TG: shoes switched like you grew a size overnight

uu: SHuT uP. IM LITERALLY BEGGING YOU.

TT: Wow, that was unexpected.

GG: we've driven him past the breaking point.

uu: I HAVE BEEN DRIVEN NOWHERE.

uu: LET ME BACK IN THE SERVER.

TG: whats the magic word? :3

uu: uNBAN ME NOW.

TG: lol no

uu: DO IT.

TG: ehhh getting warmer

uu: BITCH.

TG: mm colder

uu: YOu ARE A MENACE.

uu: I WILL BE CERTAIN. TO MAKE YOuR DEATH LONG. AND PAINFuL. AND MISERABLE. IT WILL BE GREAT. OHHHH IT WILL BE *SO* GREAT.

TG: ahaha and then what? ;)

GG: Oh cripes.

TG: pff lol

uu: WHAT.

uu: ARE YOu TRYING TO IMPLY. THAT YOu DOuBT MY WRATH.

GT: oh they weren't implying that old boy

uu: I AM NOT YOuR OLD BOY.

GT: sure thing buckaroo

GG: buckaroo?

GT: oh shut it you, I thought it'd be funny

GG: I mean it kind of was.

GT: see? I'm a master of comedy. I'm the master. It is me.

GG: I dunno if I'd go that far, but whatever helps you sleep at night.

TT: Yeah Jake, can't you tell when you're talking to the master?

TT: It's in her blood and everything.

GG: ;B

uu: HOW DID YOu SAY THAT OuT LOuD.

GG: i honestly don't have a clue myself.

TT: Now y'all know I hate to be a total square and ruin a moment, no wait just kidding. That's literally all I ever do. Anyway, are we going to go back and try to finish the ender dragon fight?

TT: Or....do literally anything? We've all just kind of been putting around in Jane's yard for a while.

GG: yeah, you'd think something would have gone catastrophically wrong by now. Well, something ELSE i suppose.

uu: BITE ME. I'LL DO IT AGAIN.

TG: i dunno if i gots the energy 2 start in on another grand quest right now tee bee aych.

TG: kinda just wanna keep moving these flowers around

GT: besides, now that we know the fight's going to be even worse than we expected our first go around, we can be even more strapped for next time!

TG: yea that 2!!

GG: oh!

GG: on that note I actually have to be going, my dad needs me downstairs for dinner!

TG: aw rlly?

GG: yes really i'm afraid. if anyone's interested i'd be happy to play more later, though.

GT: yesss! aces, jane!

GG: hoo hoo, i'll see you all later then!

GT: see you later!

TT: See ya.

TG: byeeeeee janey!

[gutsyGumshoe has left the game]


End file.
